Possilibities...

I’ve written and re-written this post several times trying to find the words that are speaking my truth, not my stories.  I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading a lot of books lately that are helping me clear my head and sit with my feelings.  Sitting with and not resisting those feelings has been the focus of my meditation and it has been offering up some pretty amazing gifts.  

As a child I remember feeling my heart soar with the possibilities of a new day.   I don’t know when I stopped leaning into joy.  I don’t know when the vicious dance of depression and anxiety took over.  But today I see how much of my life I handed over to others. I made so many decisions unaware of how I felt that I did so based on other’s stories and fears.  Practicing just being okay with life as is, I started getting these moments of peace.   I felt a joy I haven’t felt since I was a kid.  And everyday I can tap into it, even if just for a minute or two,  and its been quite fun.    

When recently asked the question, “what are my top three feelings I feel the most during my day”, I couldn’t answer.  So, I started paying attention.  All I could say was “tense” for the first day.  By the second day I had tense and curious. That lasted a couple days. After a few days I realized I wasn’t feeling as tense, and a few weeks later I am a lot more relaxed and its awesome!!! 

Then I started noticing I was excited at the possibilities that come with giving myself permission to be okay NOW instead of down the road when this and that happens.  Life started showing up in ways that sometimes made me stop and say “Come! On! This shit really works?!” The thoughts of “What if I fail?  What if I hurt?  What if I cause hurt?  What if I screw up?”, are starting to loosen their grip.  Have I ever saved myself any amount of pain seeking the answers to these questions?  The more I tap into being still instead of plowing forward, backward, and inside out, the more I feel.  The more I feel, the more capacity I have to feel good in my own skin.    

The past three years, I spent a lot of energy learning how to forgive myself, the harsh critic in my head, and then directed that energy into learning how to do failure and disappointment differently.  A short time ago I heard the same critic coming out of someone else’s mouth.  It took hearing it to realize it wasn’t my story any longer.  It wasn’t my truth. I realized I was more okay with who I am than I have ever been…since maybe when I was that girl ready to burst into a new day.  

Recently, a friend sent me an article that talked about how the healing from trauma is completely our own personal responsibility.  The healing bears the person up not as who they used to be, but closer to who they are, who they REALLY are.  That feels true for me.  I have not been loyal to myself.  I gave up a lot of ownership and it wasn’t until I took it back that I was blown away at how much energy this gave me.  Something in me has been waking up and shining a light on the choices I’m making…good ones and not so good ones.  

Leaning into joy feels better in my bones.  It makes for a better version of me and I am grateful for the experiences I’ve had, because they couldn’t have happened any other way.